Putting on a brave face

 Stay positive. Stay present. Stay strong. Stay SMILING. 

March 29, 2012

The weather was cold and it has been raining since morning.  Last night, I was trying to stay positive, I was trying my best to be strong.  But when everyone was fast asleep, I felt am alone and I felt the burdened is pulling me down.  I looked at my sleeping little men, so innocent not knowing what am going through. Crying was the only way to let it all out, I sob until i fell asleep.

Glad my husband was able to take an afternoon off today.  We had lunch at home first, cooked sinigang na bangus sa miso (Miso soup with Milk Fish) and fried Talakito fish. Always a favorite staple of my husband.  I didnt have time to feed the kids for lunch anymore as we need to rush as we might hit traffic on our way since its was pouring hard outside. 

We arrived before 1pm and we went straight to the lab for my test.  My husband needed to breathe with his nicotine so he has to excuse himself.  He also had an appointment for dental cleaning in the same clinic. 

My name was called. I got in and change into my clothes to a lab gown. I lay myself down in that dark tiny ultrasound room and waited for the radiologist. I felt cold and couldnt wait to get out of there.

Breast ultrasound (or sonography) is an imaging technique for diagnosing breast disease, such as cancer. It uses harmless, high frequency sound waves to form an image (sonogram). The sound waves pass through the breast and bounce back or echo from various tissues to form a picture of the internal structures. It is not invasive and involves no radiation.

The radiologist started to do the procedure.  While moving that "massager thing" around my breast she stopped and saw something.  She asked me if I ever had a breast implant. I was surprise she would asked me that question because that was never on my mind, never did I wanted any surgery in my body except a c-section.  A breast implant?..what?..is she kidding me?..but she was serious. I said no but she asked me again "are you sure?" I replied with a little concerned in my voice." Yes, what am sure of is I have triplets Miss". 

She stopped examining and went out to get a doctor.  Now, am so worried that my hands started to feel cold and like i just wanted to crawl out of that room when she left.  There was suspicion in how the radiologist had reacted.  I asked myself "Did I ever do anything to my breast?...Did I ever abused it?....I never had a big boobs when I was in my teens and never did I have a bigger one when I got married.  I was just a cup A ever since.

The doctor and the radiologist came in.  It took them 20 minutes to check my right breast with comments like "I have never seen like this before doctor"...doctor would comment "we need to do a mammo and best to do the biopsy too".  They did 10 minutes for my left breast while all I did was calling on a prayer in my mind.."God help me!".  They asked me to wait for one hour for the result and have my OB check on it right away.

I rushed out of the lab, went to look for my husband who was inside a dental clinic doin his dental cleaning. I waited for him to come out.  When he was done, all i wanted was to hug him and cry over his shoulder but then I have to put on a brave face.  Not now, not this time. Not infront of him.  He asked what is wrong. He know something is wrong, my voice was trembling i just held his hand and told him I might do a mammogram today but will wait for the result and see what my OB will advice.

                                   THE BREAST ULTRASOUND READING

My OB explained the result but nothing sink in and all I know is that we agreed to do the mammogram this day so we get the result tomorrow.  Yes, please make it go quickly. Finish all the test just let this be quick. I heard about how painful a mammogram procedure is but I just have to be strong so i get result right away.

A mammogram is an x-ray of the breast and surrounding tissues which can effectively detect cancers long before you might feel any changes during your monthly breast self- exam. Mammography can detect breast changes which could signify very early breast cancer.