There's no agony in waiting

April 2 2012 (Monday)

My appointment is at 5pm to see my surgeon to discuss our options for biopsy.  Today, I got a message from my brother alih that he and dad had send me something through Western Union.  Having family support is something that makes you stronger and keeps you up on your feet even when its starting to fall off.  I tried to keep my mind off from the possibilities of having a cancer or even having one breast remove from my body. I just want to live as normal as possible.  I just want everything will stay the same as it is.


We went to the clinic only to find out after one hour of waiting that my surgeon wont be available because he needs to attend to an emergency surgery.  The waiting is draining my spirit thinking of what he is going to say when he sees the film, its torturing, getting another sleepless night.  This even led to a little argument with my husband because I complained of being not able to see the surgeon today.  He was raising his voice already as we were out of the clinic saying there's no point of seeing him today, that its okay to wait for another day.  Yes, damn it as I cried inside only if you know what am feeling.  I know my husband has a lot on his mind lately, especially if he has to a day or half day off from work just to be with me during my tests.  I know he is juggling with work and being with me.  I can see it on his face, how hard this is for him too.  My eyes started to get teary but am just holding it inside me, especially when he told me "There's no AGONY in waiting"....I wanted to tell him badly that I AM SCARED...

Sometimes the words we leave unspoken are the most important ones that should have been said . . .

Its just a BREAST

31 March 2012

MAMMOGRAM READING

My Ob read and explained the reading and nothing got into my mind amidst the frustration of waiting and being told "You need a biopsy" as she go on explaining how the process are.  She recomended a cancer surgeon, gave me a card of the doctor and told me the surgeon will explain everything when I go see him ASAP.

I was trying to be calm as I bid good bye to her she says " Dont worry, ITS JUST A BREAST"

Damn! am I gonna lose it?...

It was saturday after lunch when we went to see my ob for the reading.  My husband was outside waiting.  I told him we need to see a surgeon to schedule for my biopsy.  He held me close to him and kiss me on my cheek.  I really wanted to cry, thinking I'd go on a biopsy even when its a minor thing, still you'll get an incision right there on your breast.  The thought of a needle already scares me. 

We called my husband's aunt who is also a general practitioner, she advice us to go for it too. My birad category was 4C, meaning suspicious abnormalities is seen and needs biopsy. If they needed to remove it then go for it.  Actually my mind was already set on that.  My sister gave me a clearer view on what might happen in case we get to the point of totally removing my breast.  I just have to ready myself.  Women around the world who has it are still up and goin and still spend years living and loving life.  To quote my OB, "Its just a breast"

"If a blade of grass can grow in a concrete walk and a fig tree in the side of the mountain cliff, a human being empowered by an invincible faith can survive all odds the world can throw against his tortured soul" - Robert Schuller



Putting on a brave face

 Stay positive. Stay present. Stay strong. Stay SMILING. 

March 29, 2012

The weather was cold and it has been raining since morning.  Last night, I was trying to stay positive, I was trying my best to be strong.  But when everyone was fast asleep, I felt am alone and I felt the burdened is pulling me down.  I looked at my sleeping little men, so innocent not knowing what am going through. Crying was the only way to let it all out, I sob until i fell asleep.

Glad my husband was able to take an afternoon off today.  We had lunch at home first, cooked sinigang na bangus sa miso (Miso soup with Milk Fish) and fried Talakito fish. Always a favorite staple of my husband.  I didnt have time to feed the kids for lunch anymore as we need to rush as we might hit traffic on our way since its was pouring hard outside. 

We arrived before 1pm and we went straight to the lab for my test.  My husband needed to breathe with his nicotine so he has to excuse himself.  He also had an appointment for dental cleaning in the same clinic. 

My name was called. I got in and change into my clothes to a lab gown. I lay myself down in that dark tiny ultrasound room and waited for the radiologist. I felt cold and couldnt wait to get out of there.

Breast ultrasound (or sonography) is an imaging technique for diagnosing breast disease, such as cancer. It uses harmless, high frequency sound waves to form an image (sonogram). The sound waves pass through the breast and bounce back or echo from various tissues to form a picture of the internal structures. It is not invasive and involves no radiation.

The radiologist started to do the procedure.  While moving that "massager thing" around my breast she stopped and saw something.  She asked me if I ever had a breast implant. I was surprise she would asked me that question because that was never on my mind, never did I wanted any surgery in my body except a c-section.  A breast implant?..what?..is she kidding me?..but she was serious. I said no but she asked me again "are you sure?" I replied with a little concerned in my voice." Yes, what am sure of is I have triplets Miss". 

She stopped examining and went out to get a doctor.  Now, am so worried that my hands started to feel cold and like i just wanted to crawl out of that room when she left.  There was suspicion in how the radiologist had reacted.  I asked myself "Did I ever do anything to my breast?...Did I ever abused it?....I never had a big boobs when I was in my teens and never did I have a bigger one when I got married.  I was just a cup A ever since.

The doctor and the radiologist came in.  It took them 20 minutes to check my right breast with comments like "I have never seen like this before doctor"...doctor would comment "we need to do a mammo and best to do the biopsy too".  They did 10 minutes for my left breast while all I did was calling on a prayer in my mind.."God help me!".  They asked me to wait for one hour for the result and have my OB check on it right away.

I rushed out of the lab, went to look for my husband who was inside a dental clinic doin his dental cleaning. I waited for him to come out.  When he was done, all i wanted was to hug him and cry over his shoulder but then I have to put on a brave face.  Not now, not this time. Not infront of him.  He asked what is wrong. He know something is wrong, my voice was trembling i just held his hand and told him I might do a mammogram today but will wait for the result and see what my OB will advice.

                                   THE BREAST ULTRASOUND READING

My OB explained the result but nothing sink in and all I know is that we agreed to do the mammogram this day so we get the result tomorrow.  Yes, please make it go quickly. Finish all the test just let this be quick. I heard about how painful a mammogram procedure is but I just have to be strong so i get result right away.

A mammogram is an x-ray of the breast and surrounding tissues which can effectively detect cancers long before you might feel any changes during your monthly breast self- exam. Mammography can detect breast changes which could signify very early breast cancer.

Twinge of Pain

March 26, 2012

It's Monday again and I wish I could spend the whole day in bed just being lazy.  Cuddling my pillow and just stay under my soft white cold sheets.  Damn! I just felt tired these days.  Must be the weather outside.  It's 9.30 am on my clock and its very late for me because I know my little men are waiting for their mama to wake up. 

My little men usually are up by 7am everyday! whether they sleep late or early that night. Am just glad its the start of the school holiday and I just got my new househelp two months ago, so staying late in bed a little is luxury for me.

Time runs so fast when your actually doing a lot of things especially when you are raising a 6 years old Triplets!. The sun has set and bedtime has rang its bell.  As my little men was fast as sleep, I felt a pain and a twinge right there on my right breast.  It was something new I thought.  But I couldnt have my period so early. It was a different pain that it kept me up the whole night until i fell asleep.  Yet every move I make that night, that little ball thing is giving me a twinge of pain. 

March 27, 2012

Late again that one of my little men Zander said "wake up now mama". I checked my clock and its almost 10am and I still have to bath them because they have Kumon Homework after. I forced myself out of bed.  Yes, that twinge of pain is still there.  I texted my husband told him i needed to see an OB today.  But I had a second thought, maybe this will go away today, maybe I just strained myself from doing an old yoga routine that I haven't been doing for months.  This day I waited for it to just go away.

I am not my usual self and its almost end of the day I havent move, I just sat there, watch TV and just let the loud playful voices of my boys sink in.  I asked my househelp to get some groceries from the store because for the first time I dont like doing it.  My husband convince me to see the doctor the next day.


March 28, 2012

I was a bit nervous to do this.  I never had a permanent Obstetrician in the Philippines because I conceived and gave birth to my Triplets in Doha Qatar where we stayed for about 3 years.  The last time I saw a doctor was 2 years ago when I was hospitalize for Denque.

My name was called.  The lady OBGyne was very pleasant and warm.  I was comfortable with her right away. After doing some background check about my triplets, my period and the pain that I was having on my breast she did a breast exam.  She tried to be very careful because everytime she moves and felt it right there, the pain is always there.  She knew, I know from the sound of her voice though she tried not to be too obvious then that something is wrong.

She asked me to do a Breast Ultrasound right away.  She said she found some nodules ( a small mass of tissue or aggregation of cells) on my right breast, they were scattered even on my left breast. The most affected one is my right breast. She asked me if there is a history of breast cancer in the family, not that I know of.  She told me not to worry.  Damn! how cant I be? Its happening to a lot of women these days.  Could I be a victim?

I didnt have my ultrasound that day, I didnt bring enough cash knowing I would just have a consultation and everything will be okay.  I called my husband after getting out of the clinic and explained what happened in there.  He said it gonna be okay and will do my breast ultrasound the next day.  My mind was clouded with my emotion. I took a cup of my favorite latte but sitting there with a cup of coffee only makes the question bigger in my head is  "What is wrong with me?"